A Christmas Letter
How are you doing? I hope well. What's new? It has been a while since I have last written to you. What has been going on with your life?
I would like to try and explain why you have not heard anything from me for so long. I have been very busy at work. At one time we had five men employed at the Staff Grill. Now we only have three. One man got fired for stealing, the other one quit, so we have been really busy and over worked. To be truthful it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. I'm to busy to think. I'm always exhausted. I haven't had much time to spend on the what ifs about court. The curse is that the days are really long and I have been feeling very depressed.
I had stopped my visits, made no phone calls for close to two weeks. I just – - couldn't communicate with anyone on the outside. My soul was just too sad and I just couldn't pretend like everything was all right. I couldn't put on my strong face when I would feel my insides corroding away. On October 6th I started my 21st year incarcerated for crimes I never committed. I never thought I would still be here, never. I have a hard time at this time of year, with the holidays, Thanksgiving, my mothers' birthday, and Christmas. It is just too much loneliness for my heart to bear.
The 16th of this month will make it 6 months that I have been waiting for the judge to make his decision. It has been the longest 6 months of my life. For the past week and a half I have been battling a terrible cold. It's been wearing me out. It's set deep into my lungs which doesn't help my asthma out. As you can hear I am a physical mess also.
I want so badly to go home. As much as I want to go home to my family, I will not for fear that someone in the area will still believe I'm guilty and try to hurt my family. I have learned to live with a lot of things, beatings, the hatred towards me, the awful memories of prison, the loneliness, and the nightmares of the court system. However, I could not live with the thought of putting my family in harm’s way. I cherish them too much. This is just one of the many fears that haunt me. I wish my mind could relax so that I could relax. I want one night’s sleep without awakening to my fears and nightmares. But one must always stay alert to survive in this world. I hope that my freedom will come soon. I look forward, but also fear the day I'm released. I have to start my life over in my 40s with owning nothing. I try to save money, but being so far behind in life can really be overwhelming.
I am very sorry about this letters contents. I just needed so badly to get some things out. I wish I had something happier to talk about. Thanks for listening.
I am so very thankful that I have your friendship and support. It really helps me to get through these rough times in my life. When I think of my family & friends I feel comforted & blessed. I hope you have a very nice holiday.